Lost and Found

I think I've lost a lot of my analytical and contemplative character. I mean, while I know it's still there, I've been so hyper focused on hanging out with friends and having fun just because TAMS made it hard for me to hang out with friends and it made me miss them so much so I guess I must have overcompensated during the summer. 

Additionally, I think it's true that you can't put 100% into two things. And if I had to choose, it'd be my friends back home without a doubt. But I know, since I'm spending time here, it can't be. So it's quite hard. because I'm not ready to leave things behind and I shouldn't have to yet, especially since it's senior year. Reanna did it well. Really well. She left, far, and immersed herself and remembered her friends and maybe it's because I overthink. I didn't do a lot of thinking this summer and it's all coming back. I'm honestly not sure which me I like better.

Jackie and Sam kinda made me feel embarrassed that I was still in touch with my middle school friends, but there's also no way in hell ima drop them before I absolutely have to. Most especially Christine. But I guess Sam kind of made me remember what I lost, as in I have this big bucket list but I realized that the reason I had wanted a bucket list in the first place was to make great memories with friends. But I can't be dwelling on the past so much so it's so friggin hard when there's so much advice going all over the place.

This TAMS environment is just not the best fit for me, truly. But I need to stop complaining about it and make the most of it but it's so so hard.

I've also lost so much motivation and drive. All I want to do is accomplish big things and do GOOD. Remember when I really wanted to do good? Truly right now I could care less. I'm not really sure if it's fear that I can't do anything quite big, or fear of commitment or fear of choosing the wrong passion or WHAT. but i'm so done, i just want to hang. I really and truly blame TAMS. maybe it's because i'm constantly comparing myself, and seeing that all these TAMS kids got it covered, like what am I supposed to do?? Why does it matter being different. like i feel i really won't have the impact I wanted.

TO GO OFF OF THAT - Jackie was saying that maybe we have to realize that some friends are just meant for that time in your life (which again made me feel embarassed because I am holding on to my old friends with everything -mm well oop more on that in a sec-) but I'm afraid i haven't even made that big of an impact. like the impact annemarie and jackie and even Sam have made on me is so significant, whereas Jackie has these people that are so genuine and i'm just hear, biting off of whatever personality is near me and kinda forming myself around that. I can only be me around Christine but even then, is that true? because i kind of conform to her chill attitude. Same with Emma and her caring, thoughtfulness. But maybe i just have bits of everything which is so confusing? but even then, i'm not that grand so WHAT IS IT. urgh The people in my court probably wouldn't attest to me being wonderful because i'm gone. The hype of me leaving and not being in their lives has settled and become a norm. so it's not so much that they "miss me" it's more that they see me when they see me and that's it and i'm so GONE. i'm so friggin away. i'm no where i don't belong to anything. i love sports club but yet that still gives me so anxiety and i'm so afraid anywhere i don't belong anywhere. but i'm not even trying to be self centered because what if i'm just pushing groups away. maybe I do and i'm not realizing it like why can't i be happy anywhere? i feel terrible and this is not at all for a pity party

I didn't know myself well enough to safely choose to go to TAMS, and choosing to go to TAMS has made me lose myself more and also find little bits of myself. maybe i should write them out so i don't loose my sanity.

I really like having Audrey and Ro and Annemarie and Jackie, but when will I become nothing again? Maybe i'm just meant to die. I need confession

AND THAT TO- DO I BELIVE IN GOD?? I KNOW I BELIEVE BUT ALSO WHY AREN"T I PUSHING MYSELF TO DO EVERYTHING. Am I afraid I'm supposed to be a nun? is this a life crisis? I just want my buddies here. I'm also again secure about my relationship with emma but really, what if i'm just a blurp in her life and her in mine. it seems like she can really do fine wo me.

Mom's stressing and i'm stressing

I miss Matt.

Disappointed yet content?? Too many thoughts that i just let them all leak and theyre gone

CIGS ON CIGS MY MOMMA THINK I STINK

I MISS MY COCOA BUTTER KISSES


ight, as of right now. i have one month left of being 17, the greatest age truly, and i have no motivation for anything

all i'd like to do is travel and hangout and it's such a dissapointment and so utterly selfish but i also i really do just want to chillllll i think ive been far into school and stressing that i really don't even care if im lone wolfing it.

my summit friends. ive been very secure w my relationship w emma and christine is the just wonderful as usual

curtis has been just great, always telling me about hsi days and things and just great

im actually excited for the 18 lowkey because i need something

but really, im just avoiding all this college stuff

i need help with pointless things and i think i just want to be a hermit with my computer

and talk when i choose and do things when i choose and just be so selfish

i dont deserve any of it though UGH i'm done i'm absolutely done poopy boopy urgh

I don't even know if this is a frustration they just my thoughts because i have free will and shit. Yeah i said it. SHIT

I like Emma a bunches. I like Valpal a bunches too.

Watching Grey's and Mer and Christina made me think of Emma. "Person" (but like ew cuz ya know)

I still believe Curt can be a good guy, and I feel safe when he's around.

Christine not smarter than me, but she really actually is.

I need to make more time for my friends.

I miss Abi.

Man, Kim a cool cat, other than girl code kinda stuff, she a coool cat. Always keepin it real.

I don't like feeling like a loser.

Alfonso's twitter annoys the hell out of me, but I really like him in person.

I think one day it's just gonna come out that I a crush on Diego and Alfonso. I think Alfonso's was more towards the admiration side, while Diego's was more like a wow I think I could potentially build something cuz you kinda cool if I just got over my pride. But like with Alfonso I could let that run free, but Diego automatically said he liked Emma and I was done.

Ya know that question where it's like if you were gay who'd it be for you? Evelyn. My answer is Evelyn. Really it's more I wish I was Evelyn. Maybe she doesn't realize how grand of a friend she is to have, but like damn, I wish I was a friend like Evelyn. Plus, Valeria's her bffl. Like Evelyn gets Valeria ANNDD Valeria gets Evelyn?? not fair.

You can most definitely have more than one person. I have a village too, Meredith.

Christine will always be my comfort. And she'll always get it. And I pray more than anything that she makes it to Stanford one way or another.

I pray I make it too. In at least one of the fields I want to be in.

Please lord, let me have a family. And a loving husband. Please.

I'm sorry for everything the past three years, Lord. I'm sorry.

Thank you for all the blessings, for real, Lord. And thank you for all the lessons.

Friendship is so important to me. Or it's just such a big thing in my life, maybe because it's my main source of a relationship. I mean obviously family, but it's when I feel like my family is part of my friend circle that I feel most content. Because when they start acting very stereotypical family i.e. "Did you do the dishes? Get home by 8. Don't drive too fast" like ehhhh

SHIT I DRIVE FAST

Fireworks gets me turnt as fuck.

I truly wish I was cool. But then I think of like Katya and Eilleen and I'm over it. I always thought Emma and I were good levels on the social ladder, but with Emma getting into K-pop, it seems like she's paying less attention and she seems happier about it. I wish I had that.

What the hell am I going to do when I go back to TAMS? Can't tweet shit now that I have semi friends.

Niki and G pretty cool.

ASHISHY

I just need something I can get turnt with in the car. Plays good music or even jams to the radio things I find.

Dig Dig Dig throwbacks

I dig.

Why am I so damn sensitive??

Nayua cool until she not.

Devin and Evan :-)

Rebs always tripping but forevz a soft spot in my heart.

Sometimes, I really don't know what Emma and I do other than talk about our problems, update each other about our other friends, and send random tweets and shit. Is that even a friendship?

Emma still my best friend doe, so I don't really understand myself.

Valeria and Emma, they for sure have a friendship. no doubt about it.

I'm jealous.

Shit Issac cute.

Most def would love if Cesar and Emma dated, except Cesar gotta quit the smoking scene.

I hope Emma stays good forever.

KHS

I think my boobs are okay, but damn this muffin top gotta goooo.

Christine will be the only one who gets my insecurities and vulnerabilities.

I miss Emma too.

Curtis is starting to get it too.

I'll forever look up to Christine. She's an old, wise soul that will always unintentionally guide me towards the right path. I share absolutely no wisdom, it's always her to me.

Emma gotta quit saying "you know everything"

Sometimes, I write things like these hoping someone will read it, so I slightly censor it with that in mind. Still my shit though,

I mf hate traffic.

Emma and I really don't act like best friends. Sometimes, I question why we say things like that. but it's been established and I think we're both afraid to retract it so we roll with it.

Just roll with it.

But then I think, what in the world would I do with a supportive friend like Emma? Much less, who would I admire in the same way?? Because her goodness and her intentions and her perspective. Coolio

I think people take pictures of what matters the most to them, and Emma and Curt never take snaps of me and shit ya know. I also think that people talk about what matters to them the most, and I don't think Emma has told her guy friends about most of us. Probs Valeria, no salt but seriously probs bc of kpop.

Damn, I love being around Emily so much. So many elements from her I wish I had. ESPECIALLY HER HUMOR. and she pretty damn competent.

Katya can be so cool too.

Actually really like the guys: Fonso, Fandi, Cano, T, Syd

I wonder what people say about me. I think if I really pondered that, I could work on some solid self improvement, but it would also tear me down. I suppose I've thought about it a bunch before, but Christine always dismisses it.

The fact Emma likes kpop bothers me. thas not really a secret though lol

Lowkey, bts kinda cool. LOWKEY

I'd do anything for my friends.

Sometimes you just need to hear the iloveyous, and the tight hugs, and the holding of the hands, and the little words, but you just gotta take them, and not assign so much meaning so that they mean that much.

What if I stop being friends with Emma after college? Is that even possible? I'd be so sad.

I have a feeling Christine and I will go to the same college on accident.

I really don't know what I'm going to do with my life. I really really don't. Shit.

I'll never have my high school love.

I'm so friggin manicdepressive.

I want adele please.

Valeria and Emma rant of Jealousy and Annoyance but also Apathy and a hint of Love

I guess I had just engrained in my mind that Valeria and Evelyn where BFFLS, and Emma and I had no one particular at Summit, so I just associated two and two together. Is it wrong that I liked a little when Emma would complain about Valeria? I hated her misery, but my secret selfishness enjoyed the affirmation that I was her best friend. Anyways, when they had their little heart to heart I was so genuinely happy really. I mean, I didn't like that I had to hear it from Valeria because I guess I'll never know Emma's side of things, but I loved how free Emma was and how she independently decided what she needed to do for their relationship, and I loved the emotion and how Emma really and truly confessed. But ever since then, they've been annoyingly inseparable. I mean at first it actually hurt more than annoyed me because of the circumstance and my emotional state. I felt alone again, and mostly insecure, and just really not special at all. But I've learned to deal and just genuinely not care so much in that way. I've accepted I'll only be Emma's 'number 1' when Valeria isn't around, which just means I'm not her number 1 really, and as of right now, that's really okay. I think I'm okay with being that person. I don't think she would, but if Valeria were ever to like Emma more than Evelyn, that'd be it for me and Emma's friendship. I know she only goes to me for what Valeria can't provide, which is like relatable experience and advice. But Emma will realize that being relatable isn't all that. She will or already does value the comfort and candidness of Valeria over the 'wisdom' and listening skills I provide. I just bring stress really, and work. It's easier with Valeria. Yeah, it helps that they go to the same school, but not even just that. The only thing is that Valeria can't truly say Emma's her num 1 while I can, but once Valeria truly 'ties' Evelyn and Emma, I'm done for. It also annoys me when Emma tries to please me. Like I wish she'd stop trying to ask to hang out just because she thinks I want her to and this and that. Like I wish it was just natural, and maybe it is and I'm overthinking things, as usual, but it just doesn't feel natural except for when we're actually hanging out one on one. Emma and I are only friends because she can't have Valeria all to herself, and I believe that. I hate that I only feel okay with her when Valeria isn't around just because she's probably her most natural self around Valeria. I mean I like Valeria because I feel like I can be a complete loser around her and she'll judge me the perfect amount. Who wouldn't love that? Valeria also gives Emma the feeling of being in the in crowd, with K pop and such. Tbh so weirded out by that and a little cynical but it's cool. And then I think, why does all this stressin and thinkin matter? I love Valeria and man I love love love Emma, and they're happy and always having fun, and it's not like they've dropped me or anything. Sure, it'd be nice to have a mutual bfflness with Emma, but dang I could really care less because I know she's there for me regardless.

Fun Days

I live for days like these. The littlest things. Not even big planned events just really simple chilling. When Emily and I got the ice, feeling like teenagers. With Emma, Cano, Cesar driving. With Katya begging to be on anyone but Emily's team. With two on two with Terrence. With basketball and the girls, and Momo and Rosa Parks. With Valeria and her incessant need to be with Emma at all costs. With Emma's bandwagon K-pop fan girling. With the lit music. With chick-fil-a trips where I'm not the one needing to feel guilty. [okay lowkey still felt really guilty just because I don't want Emma to get in trouble and also I knew we shouldn't have pressured her, I should have just said no.] With Amittai and Katya's cute colors. With Eilleen and her screams and her 'love yas'. With Abi and her laugh and teasing and just EVERYONE. Pistachio Almond Ice Cream and tennis and the hottest room in the world and drawing and Emma sleeping and my heart sinking every time she falls asleep but then not caring after. With snapchat filters and face swaps and prom dresses! With Alexis and her refreshing personality. With cleaning up Katya's kitchen only to find her housekeeper. With not riding home with Emma and getting to see Kim's parents again. And knowing on the other side I have Christine and Curtis. Feeling reassured and feeling sure period. I'm clinging to this because I know the confidence and comfort will only last for this fleeting moment, and I'll return to being insecure and pessimistic.

Identity, Updates, Confessions, Etc. as of March 18, 2016

As of right now, I'm trying to be outwardly happy, hoping it will transform my inner self. I don't wanna mope around anymore or pity myself; I actually wanna go somewhere and just be happy. I'm trying to move myself away from the appeal of sadness. I don't wanna feel like the loner anymore, even if I never was. I just wanna be whoever I am in the moment, which is so stupid but whatever. I'm done worrying about my friendship with Emma. If she wants to hang - cool, if she doesn't - cool. I'm content with her being my bffl and being hers or not being hers. I know I'll only really enjoy her company when Valeria's not around anyways, which will be very seldom, considering she only hangs when Valeria's around now... It kinda sucks though, because I feel like I'm her Abi. (Honestly, anything I say isn't said with a hint of depression anymore. I'm really just trying to say things the way they are). Abi's a lot of work, but I think it's because I keep viewing it as work. If I didn't have that mindset, I think I wouldn't be stressing as much just because she really is fun to be with and just a kind friend. I don't like the obligation, I think. But more on that later... I think every year I get S.A.D. and it's actually a little dangerous, but I always come back with these high feelings. Anyways, I think I really am Emma's Abi just because I feel like Emma feels like she has to put in work, when on GOD I could care less right now. I'm so okay with her just hitting me up when she wants, and vise versa for two reasons; one, it's comfortable and there's no effort, and two, so I know what our friendship really is. It's honestly whatever. On to Christine: I'm a little afraid. I feel like I was so so secure in our friendship. I mean I enjoy Christine and Emma's persona pretty evenly (more or less) and I like the excitement Emma brings and the comfort Christine brings, but I knew with Christine like I ALWAYS knew it was mutual. But recently, I feel obligated to be a certain person with Christine. I feel like I'm 'failing' her. She wants to do big things with her life; I mean she really has a goal, but I've just been kinda stuck lately. [Well, as of right now, I don't wanna be stuck anymore, so I'm starting to move.] I think she's over me in the same way I'm kinda over Emma. In a way, it's nothing to worry about though, especially because the way I'm over Emma just means I'm chilling. But Christine is so just amazed with her Emma and Huan, and I want to be that for her again. I really love analyzing relationships. I really really do. Definitely will never tell Emma about liking Diego sophmore/junior yr, and definitely can't ask Diego to prom anymore lol. I'm in my phase of loving people right now and just enjoying life and such. But I think I'm only happy because I bury my real thoughts deep down hoping they'll disappear, but if I actually think about them, I'd be moping yet again. So I'm trying to just be happy. Is it even about being happy...? Oh well.. Anyways, I'm very okay. I think I've realized I'm not lame or cool or anything. I'm nothing really, but it's so okay. Because I really just want to do what I want to do. This all sounds so stupid but it makes so much sense to me. I love Emily and Katya!! AND KIM OMG. I'm wondering if it's a good idea to divulge into my inner thoughts right now, but honestly no. I'm so blessed with a pretty good life, no real struggle except internal ones. As long as I have friends, it's okay. What is the need of a best friend anyway??

Grr - Emma Moreno Edition Issue 1 Pt. 2

This section is more or less the explanation side to my feelings. Jeebus so many feelings what's wrong with me.

Where to begin? I guess I'd like to explain why I got mad. Sometimes, I'm looking for advice, sometimes help, sometimes someone to listen. This particular time, I needed comfort and reassurance. Neither of which Emma provided. She just kept overthinking what she thought I wanted, she overlooked what I needed. I was just so stupidly hurt because I'm always listening to her, and really it isn't just because I'm here for her, it's also because I'm so genuinely interested with her life and what she has to say and I care so much for her well being. It just never feels reciprocated. I don't know if I just need to hear it explicitly or if there's some physical manifestation. But I just don't feel it. Her falling asleep and just totally overlooking my feelings just did not make me feel good. And when she kept saying asking me to tell it to her, I could feel in my heart she was just asking so that it was known that she asked, not really because she wanted to know.

Really though, the entirety of this problem is on me. I can't get mad at someone if they don't care. They just don't. Like I feel terrible for making her feel like she sucks, but at the same time, it wasn't about her. But it's so stupid, because I'm acting like we're always focusing on her, when really it's even. And why should I expect her to ask me about my problems. when I should just tell her right off the bat. It's really all my fault, because I'm just so freaking selfish. I really had no get as hurt as I did, because she fell asleep, big deal. She was tired, and I shouldn't have over reacted. I think just the build up of knowing how I had wanted the day to go vs. how it went got to me. And the fact that I'm not Emma's best friend, it's most definitely Valeria. And I'm not mad about it, I really can't be. It's just a fact. We are going to grow apart, or at least we'll never be as close as we could have been if I had stayed at Summit, and I'm having so much trouble accepting that. Because I know, well I've always known, she preferred Valeria, but with me at TAMS, she'll really be able to realize that now. It's not even fair. And it's so just so so stupid. I shouldn't have been in a pissy mood, because I just put it on my self really. Why can't I just accept that I will never be anyone's number one? I really will never be needed. And maybe it's why I keep thinking I need a boyfriend, but that just shows how not ready I am for one. I need to be confident with me first, and I just can't do it. I hate feeling clingy and needy, but that's all I am. Emma and I will never be as close as Emma and Valeria, and I'm done. I'm just done with at all. I give up trying to maintain strong relationships, and I'm really just going to stop trying and see where it leads me. Like I'll obviously hit them up, but if they can't hang or I'm even getting the slightest vibe of them not wanting to, I'm not gonna ask twice. Emma does not need me. And despite needing her, I'll just learn to deal. I can't expect her to be there every single moment, and she really just did not get it this weekend. I'm just so full of myself. Like i keep acting like I'm always there, when I know it's not true. Emma's kind but I know I don't say the right words or give the right advice or comfort. I think I just try so hard to be there for Emma, but really i'm not actively trying because I enjoy being there for Emma, and being her "go-to" but I'm just not anymore. She does need a piggy bank anymore because Valeria is there for her. I don't know why I'm acting like this is such a tragic thing, it just hurts for some reason. Like I thought we were finally good ya know like we were cool it was all mutual, but if I need this constant reassurance, then we're not. I don't know why Emma gets all this attention in my head, like why you get all this time it ain't even fair. I'm done. What also irks me is that Emma brought up blogging first. It's not even a contest or anything but jeebus she says things before I get the chance and they're things that are always on my mind i need to cry.

Grr - Emma Moreno Edition Issue 1 Pt. 1

This post does not align at all with what I wanted this blog to be, but I needed to vent. So this is more or less a rambling of thoughts with no organization.

Frustration accurately encompasses my feelings toward Emma this weekend. Well really, to best describe how I'm feeling, you'd have to understand the hand motions I'm doing, but I suppose you can't see them. I need my own sign language. I think it's better to first talk about this little problem with Emma then to talk about what's actually bothering me. I think it makes more sense, strangely.
     Some context: I had a great day with Emma a couple of weeks ago. Just some solid, good quality time. Her own frustration with Diego started to accumulate, and it just made me even more frustrated because everything she said was exactly how I felt about her: the way she feels frozen because Diego and her have the exact same problems, but Diego says his first, and the way she feels unneeded, and just all of it. I was feeling so empty and without purpose, but I held it all back because she made me feel so frozen. Then the weeks progressed, and they just drastically shifted from (superficially) up to down and back again, and I really just wasn't feeling it. Emma and Valeria finally had their emotional talk I've been begging Emma to have with her since day one. I'm glad they did, because I know how much Emma really and truly loves Valeria. Anyways, Emma had called the same day I was having a really low point, saying she missed me a lot. It's funny how it made me so sad to hear her sad, but also so happy to feel missed. The weeks progressed and every little thing just started building up and gnawing on my just overall big problem of feeling useless. I really just wanted to hang with all the girls at first, but then I realized I just needed a huge de-stress sesh. (I'm realizing, that yes while I'm constantly stressed, it's more that I'm so painfully lost). I just wanted to throw something and like exert all the anger and confusion physically, which I find helps me best. Emma sounded down, and seeing as I couldn't really let loose of all that I was feeling without her, I was ready. We were also supposed to play volleyball, which I was pretty hyped about. Then Emma said she was gonna study with Valeria and Evelyn (which is so stupid because I had asked Valeria if we could drop by beforehand), so I asked to join, a bit uncomfortably if I might add. But I was happy to see the girls, I really was. They were my fav three back at Summit, really and truly (in the sense that I liked when us four were together the most.) And I liked playing around with Valeria and such. Then Emma came and I was so happy to see her. She mah best friend ya know. Then I just got more ticked and ticked with every little thing. We had our first break, and Emma had to catch up Evelyn about Diego, and then I realized she really just needed a day with the girls because of her problem. And I so so get that, I do, but I knew I'd be frozen yet again if I wanted to say any of mine. Valeria also had her Matthew problems, so me expressing any of my feelings was pretty much out of the question. So I worked and had fun. I wanted to go get food for the girls alone, but Emma offered and then I thought pft why would I want to go alone. So Emma drove (lowkey really wanted to drive her car bc damn y not), and idk it was quiet really. I didn't feel right for some reason. I felt reserved. We came back, and continued to work, then all the little things started to bug me. (not really sure if it was this order) First, they started talking about kpop, and it brought me back to when they'd talk about kpop and Emma and I would just glance at each other. But now Emma's some big kpop fan or something, so I just felt a tiny bit out of place, but nothing too big. Then Emma and Valeria started being so just ugh i don't even know why it irked me so much, but I was like ugh can you stop being so y'all right in front of my face. Then Valeria told me they were gonna sing Sunday Candy together at talent show and that really hit me. One because, I had really really wanted to do that with Fernando (Somewhat random, I know). And once she said it I was like omg duh. Emma raps what is wrong with me. And ugh I really think I sound decent with that song, and for pete's sakes IT'S MY SONG. its my song. they took my song. I was just getting so jealous and butt hurt for absolutely no reason, but it really played with my mood. Then this just made me wanna swing at someone: Emma and I were supposed to de-stress (I need to find a better word) after studying, but Valeria wanted to come play volleyball, so Emma offered to take her home. At that point (and with the time), I knew I wasn't going to be able to say the things I wanted to say so I was like eh whatever. BUT THEN EMMA ASKED ME IF VALERIA COULD JOIN US. and ofcourse I was like yeah sure on the outside, but my insides were screaming like wtf are you doing, she can be your number one best friend, but don't force her in our little bubble of my world. Like i don't care if you bring her in to your own little things but this is OUR damn thing. because I believe you understand this. Valeria does not fully understand it. she'll think it a thing. And Valeria is a great friend, and listener, and great at comfort, but damnit Emma this was our little thing. THEN SHE PULLED OUT THIS DAMN PIECE OF PAPER OF GUYS WE THINK ARE HOT AND ASKED IF VALERIA WANTED TO ADD GUYS TO THE LIST. tbh i don't know why i capsed that because it wasn't thaaat big of a deal, but bro c'mon. So I went to the car and cried and texted Katya and just laid down. Which felt really good tbh. I screamed and banged on the steering wheel and it was frustrating and okay in those little moments. Then I went home because f that right? I picked them up later to play volleyball, and that just made me feel even more gross. I tried to start saying the things I wanted to tell Emma, but she zoned out. Valeria listened though, but that's expected because she's truly a good listener. minor. then we got to stovall and they insisted on their dream team. like it's cute and normally i would have thought it a bffl moment, but on god what are you expecting??? me and matt play volleyball on the regular. they didn't suck, but seriously, if we continued that way, i actually wouldn't have had fun. their little insiders annoyed me too. especially when Valeria said "sam won't get it". Really though, overall I had fun, especially because my brother was there, and Valeria and Emma are really good with him. The car ride home irked me a bit, when they started singing wildest dreams. I don't like that song. And I don't like feeling like an outsider, and I felt both so ugh. When we were young came on, and even matt started singing, and I felt happy in that moment. Also during Pillow talk. Went home, and knew I had now or never to talk to Emma about everything I wanted to say, so we facetimed, but I knew she'd be tired. I also knew she wanted to take a shower so sry bout that Emma. Anyways, she laid down on the floor upstairs, and I could feel how much she didn't care, she just knew she had to be there for me. And in that sense, she cared, so I continued telling my story, and I could feel her about to fall asleep, but I continued. It really wasn't fair tbh, I knew she was so tired, and I was saying pointless things, and my voice was scraggly. Then she fell asleep, and despite expecting it, I was pissed. I snapchatted her a tiny snippet of how I felt, and I was just so stupidly hurt. I told Katya and she said "oh hell nah" which actually made me laugh. Anyways, the next day she kept trying to apologize, and I just wasn't having it because well I didn't believe it. She came over, and I was in a pissy mood, but I didn't want her to leave. I just wanted a hug really. that's all. just a hug. I couldn't bring myself to tell her anything I originally wanted to tell her just because it didn't feel natural. We talked and had our sesh, which just made me more frustrated really. Then ten minutes before she left, I realized how much time I wasted being pissy, and tried showing her pictures to ease back into comfort. But she left and I hate myself.