Identity, Updates, Confessions, Etc. as of March 18, 2016

As of right now, I'm trying to be outwardly happy, hoping it will transform my inner self. I don't wanna mope around anymore or pity myself; I actually wanna go somewhere and just be happy. I'm trying to move myself away from the appeal of sadness. I don't wanna feel like the loner anymore, even if I never was. I just wanna be whoever I am in the moment, which is so stupid but whatever. I'm done worrying about my friendship with Emma. If she wants to hang - cool, if she doesn't - cool. I'm content with her being my bffl and being hers or not being hers. I know I'll only really enjoy her company when Valeria's not around anyways, which will be very seldom, considering she only hangs when Valeria's around now... It kinda sucks though, because I feel like I'm her Abi. (Honestly, anything I say isn't said with a hint of depression anymore. I'm really just trying to say things the way they are). Abi's a lot of work, but I think it's because I keep viewing it as work. If I didn't have that mindset, I think I wouldn't be stressing as much just because she really is fun to be with and just a kind friend. I don't like the obligation, I think. But more on that later... I think every year I get S.A.D. and it's actually a little dangerous, but I always come back with these high feelings. Anyways, I think I really am Emma's Abi just because I feel like Emma feels like she has to put in work, when on GOD I could care less right now. I'm so okay with her just hitting me up when she wants, and vise versa for two reasons; one, it's comfortable and there's no effort, and two, so I know what our friendship really is. It's honestly whatever. On to Christine: I'm a little afraid. I feel like I was so so secure in our friendship. I mean I enjoy Christine and Emma's persona pretty evenly (more or less) and I like the excitement Emma brings and the comfort Christine brings, but I knew with Christine like I ALWAYS knew it was mutual. But recently, I feel obligated to be a certain person with Christine. I feel like I'm 'failing' her. She wants to do big things with her life; I mean she really has a goal, but I've just been kinda stuck lately. [Well, as of right now, I don't wanna be stuck anymore, so I'm starting to move.] I think she's over me in the same way I'm kinda over Emma. In a way, it's nothing to worry about though, especially because the way I'm over Emma just means I'm chilling. But Christine is so just amazed with her Emma and Huan, and I want to be that for her again. I really love analyzing relationships. I really really do. Definitely will never tell Emma about liking Diego sophmore/junior yr, and definitely can't ask Diego to prom anymore lol. I'm in my phase of loving people right now and just enjoying life and such. But I think I'm only happy because I bury my real thoughts deep down hoping they'll disappear, but if I actually think about them, I'd be moping yet again. So I'm trying to just be happy. Is it even about being happy...? Oh well.. Anyways, I'm very okay. I think I've realized I'm not lame or cool or anything. I'm nothing really, but it's so okay. Because I really just want to do what I want to do. This all sounds so stupid but it makes so much sense to me. I love Emily and Katya!! AND KIM OMG. I'm wondering if it's a good idea to divulge into my inner thoughts right now, but honestly no. I'm so blessed with a pretty good life, no real struggle except internal ones. As long as I have friends, it's okay. What is the need of a best friend anyway??