Valeria and Emma rant of Jealousy and Annoyance but also Apathy and a hint of Love

I guess I had just engrained in my mind that Valeria and Evelyn where BFFLS, and Emma and I had no one particular at Summit, so I just associated two and two together. Is it wrong that I liked a little when Emma would complain about Valeria? I hated her misery, but my secret selfishness enjoyed the affirmation that I was her best friend. Anyways, when they had their little heart to heart I was so genuinely happy really. I mean, I didn't like that I had to hear it from Valeria because I guess I'll never know Emma's side of things, but I loved how free Emma was and how she independently decided what she needed to do for their relationship, and I loved the emotion and how Emma really and truly confessed. But ever since then, they've been annoyingly inseparable. I mean at first it actually hurt more than annoyed me because of the circumstance and my emotional state. I felt alone again, and mostly insecure, and just really not special at all. But I've learned to deal and just genuinely not care so much in that way. I've accepted I'll only be Emma's 'number 1' when Valeria isn't around, which just means I'm not her number 1 really, and as of right now, that's really okay. I think I'm okay with being that person. I don't think she would, but if Valeria were ever to like Emma more than Evelyn, that'd be it for me and Emma's friendship. I know she only goes to me for what Valeria can't provide, which is like relatable experience and advice. But Emma will realize that being relatable isn't all that. She will or already does value the comfort and candidness of Valeria over the 'wisdom' and listening skills I provide. I just bring stress really, and work. It's easier with Valeria. Yeah, it helps that they go to the same school, but not even just that. The only thing is that Valeria can't truly say Emma's her num 1 while I can, but once Valeria truly 'ties' Evelyn and Emma, I'm done for. It also annoys me when Emma tries to please me. Like I wish she'd stop trying to ask to hang out just because she thinks I want her to and this and that. Like I wish it was just natural, and maybe it is and I'm overthinking things, as usual, but it just doesn't feel natural except for when we're actually hanging out one on one. Emma and I are only friends because she can't have Valeria all to herself, and I believe that. I hate that I only feel okay with her when Valeria isn't around just because she's probably her most natural self around Valeria. I mean I like Valeria because I feel like I can be a complete loser around her and she'll judge me the perfect amount. Who wouldn't love that? Valeria also gives Emma the feeling of being in the in crowd, with K pop and such. Tbh so weirded out by that and a little cynical but it's cool. And then I think, why does all this stressin and thinkin matter? I love Valeria and man I love love love Emma, and they're happy and always having fun, and it's not like they've dropped me or anything. Sure, it'd be nice to have a mutual bfflness with Emma, but dang I could really care less because I know she's there for me regardless.

Fun Days

I live for days like these. The littlest things. Not even big planned events just really simple chilling. When Emily and I got the ice, feeling like teenagers. With Emma, Cano, Cesar driving. With Katya begging to be on anyone but Emily's team. With two on two with Terrence. With basketball and the girls, and Momo and Rosa Parks. With Valeria and her incessant need to be with Emma at all costs. With Emma's bandwagon K-pop fan girling. With the lit music. With chick-fil-a trips where I'm not the one needing to feel guilty. [okay lowkey still felt really guilty just because I don't want Emma to get in trouble and also I knew we shouldn't have pressured her, I should have just said no.] With Amittai and Katya's cute colors. With Eilleen and her screams and her 'love yas'. With Abi and her laugh and teasing and just EVERYONE. Pistachio Almond Ice Cream and tennis and the hottest room in the world and drawing and Emma sleeping and my heart sinking every time she falls asleep but then not caring after. With snapchat filters and face swaps and prom dresses! With Alexis and her refreshing personality. With cleaning up Katya's kitchen only to find her housekeeper. With not riding home with Emma and getting to see Kim's parents again. And knowing on the other side I have Christine and Curtis. Feeling reassured and feeling sure period. I'm clinging to this because I know the confidence and comfort will only last for this fleeting moment, and I'll return to being insecure and pessimistic.

Identity, Updates, Confessions, Etc. as of March 18, 2016

As of right now, I'm trying to be outwardly happy, hoping it will transform my inner self. I don't wanna mope around anymore or pity myself; I actually wanna go somewhere and just be happy. I'm trying to move myself away from the appeal of sadness. I don't wanna feel like the loner anymore, even if I never was. I just wanna be whoever I am in the moment, which is so stupid but whatever. I'm done worrying about my friendship with Emma. If she wants to hang - cool, if she doesn't - cool. I'm content with her being my bffl and being hers or not being hers. I know I'll only really enjoy her company when Valeria's not around anyways, which will be very seldom, considering she only hangs when Valeria's around now... It kinda sucks though, because I feel like I'm her Abi. (Honestly, anything I say isn't said with a hint of depression anymore. I'm really just trying to say things the way they are). Abi's a lot of work, but I think it's because I keep viewing it as work. If I didn't have that mindset, I think I wouldn't be stressing as much just because she really is fun to be with and just a kind friend. I don't like the obligation, I think. But more on that later... I think every year I get S.A.D. and it's actually a little dangerous, but I always come back with these high feelings. Anyways, I think I really am Emma's Abi just because I feel like Emma feels like she has to put in work, when on GOD I could care less right now. I'm so okay with her just hitting me up when she wants, and vise versa for two reasons; one, it's comfortable and there's no effort, and two, so I know what our friendship really is. It's honestly whatever. On to Christine: I'm a little afraid. I feel like I was so so secure in our friendship. I mean I enjoy Christine and Emma's persona pretty evenly (more or less) and I like the excitement Emma brings and the comfort Christine brings, but I knew with Christine like I ALWAYS knew it was mutual. But recently, I feel obligated to be a certain person with Christine. I feel like I'm 'failing' her. She wants to do big things with her life; I mean she really has a goal, but I've just been kinda stuck lately. [Well, as of right now, I don't wanna be stuck anymore, so I'm starting to move.] I think she's over me in the same way I'm kinda over Emma. In a way, it's nothing to worry about though, especially because the way I'm over Emma just means I'm chilling. But Christine is so just amazed with her Emma and Huan, and I want to be that for her again. I really love analyzing relationships. I really really do. Definitely will never tell Emma about liking Diego sophmore/junior yr, and definitely can't ask Diego to prom anymore lol. I'm in my phase of loving people right now and just enjoying life and such. But I think I'm only happy because I bury my real thoughts deep down hoping they'll disappear, but if I actually think about them, I'd be moping yet again. So I'm trying to just be happy. Is it even about being happy...? Oh well.. Anyways, I'm very okay. I think I've realized I'm not lame or cool or anything. I'm nothing really, but it's so okay. Because I really just want to do what I want to do. This all sounds so stupid but it makes so much sense to me. I love Emily and Katya!! AND KIM OMG. I'm wondering if it's a good idea to divulge into my inner thoughts right now, but honestly no. I'm so blessed with a pretty good life, no real struggle except internal ones. As long as I have friends, it's okay. What is the need of a best friend anyway??