This post does not align at all with what I wanted this blog to be, but I needed to vent. So this is more or less a rambling of thoughts with no organization.
Frustration accurately encompasses my feelings toward Emma this weekend. Well really, to best describe how I'm feeling, you'd have to understand the hand motions I'm doing, but I suppose you can't see them. I need my own sign language. I think it's better to first talk about this little problem with Emma then to talk about what's actually bothering me. I think it makes more sense, strangely.
Some context: I had a great day with Emma a couple of weeks ago. Just some solid, good quality time. Her own frustration with Diego started to accumulate, and it just made me even more frustrated because everything she said was exactly how I felt about her: the way she feels frozen because Diego and her have the exact same problems, but Diego says his first, and the way she feels unneeded, and just all of it. I was feeling so empty and without purpose, but I held it all back because she made me feel so frozen. Then the weeks progressed, and they just drastically shifted from (superficially) up to down and back again, and I really just wasn't feeling it. Emma and Valeria finally had their emotional talk I've been begging Emma to have with her since day one. I'm glad they did, because I know how much Emma really and truly loves Valeria. Anyways, Emma had called the same day I was having a really low point, saying she missed me a lot. It's funny how it made me so sad to hear her sad, but also so happy to feel missed. The weeks progressed and every little thing just started building up and gnawing on my just overall big problem of feeling useless. I really just wanted to hang with all the girls at first, but then I realized I just needed a huge de-stress sesh. (I'm realizing, that yes while I'm constantly stressed, it's more that I'm so painfully lost). I just wanted to throw something and like exert all the anger and confusion physically, which I find helps me best. Emma sounded down, and seeing as I couldn't really let loose of all that I was feeling without her, I was ready. We were also supposed to play volleyball, which I was pretty hyped about. Then Emma said she was gonna study with Valeria and Evelyn (which is so stupid because I had asked Valeria if we could drop by beforehand), so I asked to join, a bit uncomfortably if I might add. But I was happy to see the girls, I really was. They were my fav three back at Summit, really and truly (in the sense that I liked when us four were together the most.) And I liked playing around with Valeria and such. Then Emma came and I was so happy to see her. She mah best friend ya know. Then I just got more ticked and ticked with every little thing. We had our first break, and Emma had to catch up Evelyn about Diego, and then I realized she really just needed a day with the girls because of her problem. And I so so get that, I do, but I knew I'd be frozen yet again if I wanted to say any of mine. Valeria also had her Matthew problems, so me expressing any of my feelings was pretty much out of the question. So I worked and had fun. I wanted to go get food for the girls alone, but Emma offered and then I thought pft why would I want to go alone. So Emma drove (lowkey really wanted to drive her car bc damn y not), and idk it was quiet really. I didn't feel right for some reason. I felt reserved. We came back, and continued to work, then all the little things started to bug me. (not really sure if it was this order) First, they started talking about kpop, and it brought me back to when they'd talk about kpop and Emma and I would just glance at each other. But now Emma's some big kpop fan or something, so I just felt a tiny bit out of place, but nothing too big. Then Emma and Valeria started being so just ugh i don't even know why it irked me so much, but I was like ugh can you stop being so y'all right in front of my face. Then Valeria told me they were gonna sing Sunday Candy together at talent show and that really hit me. One because, I had really really wanted to do that with Fernando (Somewhat random, I know). And once she said it I was like omg duh. Emma raps what is wrong with me. And ugh I really think I sound decent with that song, and for pete's sakes IT'S MY SONG. its my song. they took my song. I was just getting so jealous and butt hurt for absolutely no reason, but it really played with my mood. Then this just made me wanna swing at someone: Emma and I were supposed to de-stress (I need to find a better word) after studying, but Valeria wanted to come play volleyball, so Emma offered to take her home. At that point (and with the time), I knew I wasn't going to be able to say the things I wanted to say so I was like eh whatever. BUT THEN EMMA ASKED ME IF VALERIA COULD JOIN US. and ofcourse I was like yeah sure on the outside, but my insides were screaming like wtf are you doing, she can be your number one best friend, but don't force her in our little bubble of my world. Like i don't care if you bring her in to your own little things but this is OUR damn thing. because I believe you understand this. Valeria does not fully understand it. she'll think it a thing. And Valeria is a great friend, and listener, and great at comfort, but damnit Emma this was our little thing. THEN SHE PULLED OUT THIS DAMN PIECE OF PAPER OF GUYS WE THINK ARE HOT AND ASKED IF VALERIA WANTED TO ADD GUYS TO THE LIST. tbh i don't know why i capsed that because it wasn't thaaat big of a deal, but bro c'mon. So I went to the car and cried and texted Katya and just laid down. Which felt really good tbh. I screamed and banged on the steering wheel and it was frustrating and okay in those little moments. Then I went home because f that right? I picked them up later to play volleyball, and that just made me feel even more gross. I tried to start saying the things I wanted to tell Emma, but she zoned out. Valeria listened though, but that's expected because she's truly a good listener. minor. then we got to stovall and they insisted on their dream team. like it's cute and normally i would have thought it a bffl moment, but on god what are you expecting??? me and matt play volleyball on the regular. they didn't suck, but seriously, if we continued that way, i actually wouldn't have had fun. their little insiders annoyed me too. especially when Valeria said "sam won't get it". Really though, overall I had fun, especially because my brother was there, and Valeria and Emma are really good with him. The car ride home irked me a bit, when they started singing wildest dreams. I don't like that song. And I don't like feeling like an outsider, and I felt both so ugh. When we were young came on, and even matt started singing, and I felt happy in that moment. Also during Pillow talk. Went home, and knew I had now or never to talk to Emma about everything I wanted to say, so we facetimed, but I knew she'd be tired. I also knew she wanted to take a shower so sry bout that Emma. Anyways, she laid down on the floor upstairs, and I could feel how much she didn't care, she just knew she had to be there for me. And in that sense, she cared, so I continued telling my story, and I could feel her about to fall asleep, but I continued. It really wasn't fair tbh, I knew she was so tired, and I was saying pointless things, and my voice was scraggly. Then she fell asleep, and despite expecting it, I was pissed. I snapchatted her a tiny snippet of how I felt, and I was just so stupidly hurt. I told Katya and she said "oh hell nah" which actually made me laugh. Anyways, the next day she kept trying to apologize, and I just wasn't having it because well I didn't believe it. She came over, and I was in a pissy mood, but I didn't want her to leave. I just wanted a hug really. that's all. just a hug. I couldn't bring myself to tell her anything I originally wanted to tell her just because it didn't feel natural. We talked and had our sesh, which just made me more frustrated really. Then ten minutes before she left, I realized how much time I wasted being pissy, and tried showing her pictures to ease back into comfort. But she left and I hate myself.
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