Additionally, I think it's true that you can't put 100% into two things. And if I had to choose, it'd be my friends back home without a doubt. But I know, since I'm spending time here, it can't be. So it's quite hard. because I'm not ready to leave things behind and I shouldn't have to yet, especially since it's senior year. Reanna did it well. Really well. She left, far, and immersed herself and remembered her friends and maybe it's because I overthink. I didn't do a lot of thinking this summer and it's all coming back. I'm honestly not sure which me I like better.
Jackie and Sam kinda made me feel embarrassed that I was still in touch with my middle school friends, but there's also no way in hell ima drop them before I absolutely have to. Most especially Christine. But I guess Sam kind of made me remember what I lost, as in I have this big bucket list but I realized that the reason I had wanted a bucket list in the first place was to make great memories with friends. But I can't be dwelling on the past so much so it's so friggin hard when there's so much advice going all over the place.
This TAMS environment is just not the best fit for me, truly. But I need to stop complaining about it and make the most of it but it's so so hard.
I've also lost so much motivation and drive. All I want to do is accomplish big things and do GOOD. Remember when I really wanted to do good? Truly right now I could care less. I'm not really sure if it's fear that I can't do anything quite big, or fear of commitment or fear of choosing the wrong passion or WHAT. but i'm so done, i just want to hang. I really and truly blame TAMS. maybe it's because i'm constantly comparing myself, and seeing that all these TAMS kids got it covered, like what am I supposed to do?? Why does it matter being different. like i feel i really won't have the impact I wanted.
TO GO OFF OF THAT - Jackie was saying that maybe we have to realize that some friends are just meant for that time in your life (which again made me feel embarassed because I am holding on to my old friends with everything -mm well oop more on that in a sec-) but I'm afraid i haven't even made that big of an impact. like the impact annemarie and jackie and even Sam have made on me is so significant, whereas Jackie has these people that are so genuine and i'm just hear, biting off of whatever personality is near me and kinda forming myself around that. I can only be me around Christine but even then, is that true? because i kind of conform to her chill attitude. Same with Emma and her caring, thoughtfulness. But maybe i just have bits of everything which is so confusing? but even then, i'm not that grand so WHAT IS IT. urgh The people in my court probably wouldn't attest to me being wonderful because i'm gone. The hype of me leaving and not being in their lives has settled and become a norm. so it's not so much that they "miss me" it's more that they see me when they see me and that's it and i'm so GONE. i'm so friggin away. i'm no where i don't belong to anything. i love sports club but yet that still gives me so anxiety and i'm so afraid anywhere i don't belong anywhere. but i'm not even trying to be self centered because what if i'm just pushing groups away. maybe I do and i'm not realizing it like why can't i be happy anywhere? i feel terrible and this is not at all for a pity party
I didn't know myself well enough to safely choose to go to TAMS, and choosing to go to TAMS has made me lose myself more and also find little bits of myself. maybe i should write them out so i don't loose my sanity.
I really like having Audrey and Ro and Annemarie and Jackie, but when will I become nothing again? Maybe i'm just meant to die. I need confession
AND THAT TO- DO I BELIVE IN GOD?? I KNOW I BELIEVE BUT ALSO WHY AREN"T I PUSHING MYSELF TO DO EVERYTHING. Am I afraid I'm supposed to be a nun? is this a life crisis? I just want my buddies here. I'm also again secure about my relationship with emma but really, what if i'm just a blurp in her life and her in mine. it seems like she can really do fine wo me.
Mom's stressing and i'm stressing
I miss Matt.
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