This section is more or less the explanation side to my feelings. Jeebus so many feelings what's wrong with me.
Where to begin? I guess I'd like to explain why I got mad. Sometimes, I'm looking for advice, sometimes help, sometimes someone to listen. This particular time, I needed comfort and reassurance. Neither of which Emma provided. She just kept overthinking what she thought I wanted, she overlooked what I needed. I was just so stupidly hurt because I'm always listening to her, and really it isn't just because I'm here for her, it's also because I'm so genuinely interested with her life and what she has to say and I care so much for her well being. It just never feels reciprocated. I don't know if I just need to hear it explicitly or if there's some physical manifestation. But I just don't feel it. Her falling asleep and just totally overlooking my feelings just did not make me feel good. And when she kept saying asking me to tell it to her, I could feel in my heart she was just asking so that it was known that she asked, not really because she wanted to know.
Really though, the entirety of this problem is on me. I can't get mad at someone if they don't care. They just don't. Like I feel terrible for making her feel like she sucks, but at the same time, it wasn't about her. But it's so stupid, because I'm acting like we're always focusing on her, when really it's even. And why should I expect her to ask me about my problems. when I should just tell her right off the bat. It's really all my fault, because I'm just so freaking selfish. I really had no get as hurt as I did, because she fell asleep, big deal. She was tired, and I shouldn't have over reacted. I think just the build up of knowing how I had wanted the day to go vs. how it went got to me. And the fact that I'm not Emma's best friend, it's most definitely Valeria. And I'm not mad about it, I really can't be. It's just a fact. We are going to grow apart, or at least we'll never be as close as we could have been if I had stayed at Summit, and I'm having so much trouble accepting that. Because I know, well I've always known, she preferred Valeria, but with me at TAMS, she'll really be able to realize that now. It's not even fair. And it's so just so so stupid. I shouldn't have been in a pissy mood, because I just put it on my self really. Why can't I just accept that I will never be anyone's number one? I really will never be needed. And maybe it's why I keep thinking I need a boyfriend, but that just shows how not ready I am for one. I need to be confident with me first, and I just can't do it. I hate feeling clingy and needy, but that's all I am. Emma and I will never be as close as Emma and Valeria, and I'm done. I'm just done with at all. I give up trying to maintain strong relationships, and I'm really just going to stop trying and see where it leads me. Like I'll obviously hit them up, but if they can't hang or I'm even getting the slightest vibe of them not wanting to, I'm not gonna ask twice. Emma does not need me. And despite needing her, I'll just learn to deal. I can't expect her to be there every single moment, and she really just did not get it this weekend. I'm just so full of myself. Like i keep acting like I'm always there, when I know it's not true. Emma's kind but I know I don't say the right words or give the right advice or comfort. I think I just try so hard to be there for Emma, but really i'm not actively trying because I enjoy being there for Emma, and being her "go-to" but I'm just not anymore. She does need a piggy bank anymore because Valeria is there for her. I don't know why I'm acting like this is such a tragic thing, it just hurts for some reason. Like I thought we were finally good ya know like we were cool it was all mutual, but if I need this constant reassurance, then we're not. I don't know why Emma gets all this attention in my head, like why you get all this time it ain't even fair. I'm done. What also irks me is that Emma brought up blogging first. It's not even a contest or anything but jeebus she says things before I get the chance and they're things that are always on my mind i need to cry.
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